A friend of mine wrote this in his Facebook status yesterday afternoon: “Was standing next to a 20-something woman on the train platform today who dropped something. I picked it up and handed it to her. I received neither a thank you, nor a nod or any acknowledgment of this. Have please and thank you gone out of style?” (sic)
My friend received several excellent comments in response.
The incident reminded me of something that’s been bothering me for a while.
A while back I began to notice that very few people actually say “you’re welcome” any more. Instead, it seems that the correct response has become, “no problem.” I’ve worked hard not to let that bother me. After all, in Spanish, the proper response is “de nada”, which literally means, “It’s nothing.” Still in the back of my mind there is a nit I have to pick with this. I can’t help wondering, after I’ve thanked someone for something they’ve done for me, what they might have said if their effort actually had been a problem for them. I mean, is “no problem” something they say only when the effort they put forth was indeed no problem, or would they say that no matter the effort, in the same manner in which I might say, “you’re welcome.”? Honestly, “no problem” just doesn’t seem to me to carry the same value as “you’re welcome.” Am I welcome to your kindness, or is it something I should expect only when it’s “no problem”?
Like some who responded to my friend’s Facebook post, I have noticed that door holding and other such small courtesies seem to have become expected, unimportant, or worse – offensive. Think back on it. When was the last time anyone said “thank you” when you held a door for them at the mall? When was the last time you saw a man open the car door for a woman?
This morning in Penn Station I was approaching an escalator at the same time as an elderly woman and two grown boys. I call them boys because although they had the stature and age of young men, they did not conduct themselves with the grace or maturity requisite to manhood. These boys were a bit behind and off to the side of the elderly woman. I as off to her other side. As she stepped onto the metal landing at the base of the escalator the two boys quickly squeezed around the corner of the escalator and onto a step in front of her. They were close enough that she had to slow her forward motion considerably to avoid bumping into them. The woman was upset (rightfully so in my opinion) and she said a loud, “thank you” to the two boys. I thought that perhaps they had been in a hurry to catch a train and this would startle them into some recognition of their rudeness. On the contrary, they turned and gave the woman a dirty look! I wonder what their mothers would have thought.
Last week my train going home was quite full. Near departure time a woman got on and walked down the aisle to a point very near my seat. I already had a seat-mate, but the gentleman across the aisle and one seat forward did not. He had placed his small bag on the open seat next to him. The woman came to his row and said harshly, “Did you pay for two seats?” Ignoring her crassness, the man dutifully and quietly removed his bag. The woman was not to be satisfied by his gesture, and so rather than thanking the gentleman, she said, “I didn’t think so;” whereupon she proceeded to sit down and remove her shoes.
One of the women who frequently rides the same train I do related a similar experience. When near the end of one of her pregnancies she had to travel by plane. As she approached her seat she found herself unable to left her carry-on bag into the overhead compartment. There were several men seated nearby, and not one offered her assistance. Finally she politely asked one of them if he would help her. She had to ask him twice, the second time with some more forceful explanation of her predicament because the first time all he did was give her a look as if to say, “do it yourself.” Perhaps the man on the airplane had an experience similar to one I had. I reached to open a door for a “lady” one day and she actually chewed me out for it! After that I felt awkward in similar situations.
Is this what we want? It’s sure not what I want.
In my view some of this is fallout from the radical feminism of the ’60s and ’70s. I grew up during that time and observed it happening. The feminist movement did some good things. Women should certainly be paid as well as men when they do work of the same value, for example. Unfortunately, feminism sometimes went much further and demanded that women and men be treated identically. Equality became synonymous with sameness, equivalence, even interchangeability. That’s unfortunate because men and women are different, and I for one am glad of it!
As a group, men are undeniably physically stronger, for example. As a group, women tend to be more nurturing. My wife designs and organizes and navigates. I build, and deal with dying animals, and back up the camping trailer. Each of these things is important, but each of us is better at some than others. That’s the whole reason why marriage and teamwork are so very important.
Don’t bother misreading me. I am not saying that no woman can back up the camper, or deal with dying animals. I am just saying what you know in your heart to be true. Most men are stronger than most women. Women and men are not the same. They are different. Let’s not allow “difference” to come to mean that one is better than the other.
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